Crib Jokes — Jokes For Fun

Wash your hands:

Timmy: Hey, Mom, can I have some of that birthday cake now?

Mom:  Sure.  Right after you wash your hands.

Timmy: Aww, Mom, why do I have to wash my hands?  They’re just going to get dirty again any way?

Mom:  You have to wash for the same reason that you’re going to eat that piece of birthday cake now even though you’re going to get hungry for more of it again a little later.  You wash now, and you wash later.

Timmy: That’s a lot of washing, Mom.

Mom:  Yes, but I’m sure the cake’s worth it!

Timmy: What good is it to wash my hands, Mom?  It’s not my hands that go into my mouth, it’s the food.

Mom: Are you saying that you think you should wash your food before you eat it instead of your hands, Timmy?

Timmy: Well, yeah.  I saw a bird do it in the bird bath yesterday.

Mom: I’ll make you a deal, then.  When you can fly to the birdbath, you can wash your food in it before you eat it.  Otherwise, you’ve got to wash your hands first.

Stocks and Coronavirus

Sam: The stock market has sure been volatile lately.  It must be the influence of that Coronavirus.

Jim:  Why do you say that, Sam?  The stock market goes up and down all the time.

Sam:  Yeah, but it’s easier to blame a virus than it is to blame my stock broker.

Jim:  Why is that?

Sam: Because if I blame the Coronavirus, nobody complains.  But if I blame my stock broker for picking the wrong stocks, he’s got more excuses than the weatherman has for a bad forecast.  

Sam:  If it isn’t that Coronavirus that’s causing the stocks to fluctuate so much lately, what could it be?

Jim:  Just about anything. Stocks are like rabbits: they move fast, they rarely stay in one place for long, and they have a tendency to overpopulate where they’re not wanted.  

Advantages of Working from Home aka Telecommuting:

Wife: Aren’t you going to work today, Harry?  You’re just sitting there in front of your computer.  Don’t you have to get your suit and tie on, and go to work?

Harry: Not today, honey.  We’re trying out a day of telecommuting.

wife: What’s that?
Harry:  It’s when we all do our work from home.  That means I don’t have to get dressed for work.

Wife: Well. I hope it at least means you still have to brush your teeth and put on some deodorant. You’re making it look like a weekend!

Ralph: Do you like this telecommuting, Dan?

Dan: It sure is great if I don’t have to get dressed up for work every day and drive 35 minutes in traffic both ways.  That saves me a lot of time, Ralph.

Ralph: Does it make you work smarter, and get more accomplished?

Dan:  Not really, but at least I have more time to work on it.  

Jim:  Does telecommuting work as good for women as it does for men, Harry?

Harry:  It sure does. The only thing the women don’t like about it is that now they don’t have an excuse to get new clothes.

Jim:  I wonder why they call it telecommuting when you stay home to do your job? 

Bob:  Simple.  Because it combines the word “tele”, an abbreviation for telephone, with “commuting”.  It means working from telephone.

Jim:  But, I don’t use the telephone to do my job at home.

Bob: Why?  What’s your job, Jim?

Jim:  I’m a Chef.

Wearing a Mask

Cindy:  Did you see that mask that Mary was wearing?  I don’t think that’s going to prevent her from getting a virus.

Joan:  Why is that?
Cindy: Because I don’t think a Cher mask is on the approved list.

Jill:  I’m going to get one of those surgical masks to protect myself from getting a virus.

Sandy: Do you really think it will work?  I’ve heard that some of them don’t work for every kind of virus.

Jill: Well, I don’t know why not.  The virus isn’t going to know what kind of mask I get. 

Stan: Hey, I heard they’re cancelling all public events where there will be big crowds. 

Andy:  I guess that means they won’t be cancelling that all-you-can-eat Liver and Onions dinner down at Mattie’s Diner, then will they.

Stan: Hey, I guess maybe I’ll go.

Tyrone: Hey, I heard that they’re cancelling all public events in DENVER where there will be big crowds.

Stan: I guess that means they won’t be cancelling that 2020 BRONCO Football tailgate party, then.  They probably can’t get enough people together who think they’ve got a chance to play in the Superbowl.